A 5-year-old math whiz is being dubbed poker's newest sensation after beating out nine Phils to win $1 million at the inaugural "Kill Phil Poker Bowl." Born at a very young age, Johnny Bedwetter began saving his weekly allowance since age two in order to be able to post the buy-in and entry fee at the Kill Phil Poker Bowl. Bedwetter received special parental permission to attend the event, as it began after his bedtime, after he promised to be a good boy and mind his manners while sitting at the poker table.
The single-table poker tournament featured Bedwetter sitting alongside some of the world's most famous Phils. Phil Gordon, Phil "The Unabomber" Laak, Phil Hellmuth, and ESPN/Bluff Magazine's 2005 Player of the Year, Phil Ivey, represented poker's finest. Filling out the other five seats at the table were singer Phil Collins, former talk show host Phil Donahue, LA Lakers coach Phil Jackson, TV psychologist Dr. Phil, and the Phillie Phanatic, proud mascot of Major League Baseball's Philadelphia Phillies.
Originally scheduled to take place at the new Hooters casino in Las Vegas, upon vociferous protests from Bedwetter and his play group, the poker tournament was moved to the more child-friendly Circus Circus. Upon hearing that the venue had been changed, Doyle Brunson, the elder statesman of poker expressed outrage, and was quoted as saying that "this new, new generation of poker players are just a bunch of crybabies."
Dr. Phil doubled up immediately, busting the Phillie Phanatic's pocket aces with a 2-7 offsuit after three deuces flopped on the board. Next to exit the tournament was Phil Jackson, who was busy meditating and did not see Hellmuth and Bedwetter steal all of his chips. Donahue and Laak got into a heated argument about who could do more push-ups, and both got blinded off while trying to outdo each other in front of Laak's girlfriend, Jennifer Tilly.
With six players remaining, Bedwetter started to make his move, passing gas at least three times in the direction of Phil Gordon, who ended up just walking away from the table and forfeiting his chips to the 5-year-old. Phil Collins, who had been steadily building his chip stack until then, got eliminated when Bedwetter rivered a king of clubs for a gutshot royal flush. As Collins left the table, he could be heard lipsynching Justin Timberlake's hit, "Cry Me a River."
Not having said a word at the table for eight hours, Phil Ivey nearly exploded after Dr. Phil called him on a bluff to take half his stack. The Dr. and Ivey were then both disqualified and physically removed from the premises for misconduct after Ivey threatened to give him "a taste of his own advice" and Dr. Phil retorted with "See Phil, now you're tapping into your true inner power. Louder!"
The action thus boiled down to Bedwetter and Hellmuth, each holding exactly equal-sized chip stacks. After just one hand of heads-up play, Bedwetter emerged victorious, scoring a bicycle straight on the turn that held up against Hellmuth's three queens. During Hellmuth's post-game interview, the 5-year-old Bedwetter could be heard screaming "I got a bike, I got a bike!" in the background. I guess the $1 million prize money didn't matter to him as much ...
Hailing the event as an absolute must-see, Kill Phil Poker Bowl organizer Ben Dover promised that next year the event would be televised live and include "hundreds of more Phils."
*Happy April Fool's Day! This article is intended only to be humorous, and, no, OPN does not promote underage gambling.
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